That hurt. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. 3. This should not be and I will try to avoid What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP. My wife claimed she had told him this already. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. I feel that it is great that you do the same . You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). I divorced him and he married her. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. Again he didn't reply. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. And she wanted details. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. My husband called it off and she continued to pursue him. WebMy wife is in love with another man. What I noticed most about her was her voice. Does that make any difference? We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. Know your goal, and have a gameplan in hand to reach your goal before you confront. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. But that, in of itself is helpful. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. If she is The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truthbut be vague on details. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. I believe my healing restarted every other day. I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. Thanks everyone for your messages. How i regret this contactseveral times. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. There is no way Im going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I dont want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who Ive grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family. Shes in LOVE with him. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. Would I do it again? I also told The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. I had to realize WHY he wanted out and forgive him to move on. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. altogether. Thank you!! When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. What if I dont know him? Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fianc - whom he was cheating on with my wife. So atleast you have that going for you. Your son, any pets, and yourself. Maybe you agonized about doing this. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. We CAN FINALLY move forward! My wife will even marry the man. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. Incontrovertible proof. Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. All rights reserved. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. Why? These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. This is the way mine went down . Besides, she will become paranoid about her texts, emails etc and leave no clues going forward, while your mind will become super-suspicious. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. So while you may have an I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Insist on divorce? Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. *You are continuous and undying. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. The only thing I will do is to walk out of the marriage. Don't go all vigilante on this alone. I consider doing that an immature action. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. Me? Get professional support. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. Only God can make this work. Just Wow. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. I think, the storm has passed. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. They may be crazy Safety first. It might also extend to the rules of law. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. They now live the life I was supposed to have. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. What exactly can make my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him? got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. She hasn't. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. I have to wait for a half year. It is only a mad man that will do that. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldnt move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. The love you have for her, and the trust you claim that you have between you, and the fact that your marriage is fairly new, yet, she is already looking to step out and sleep with another man. You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your spouse may love. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? It was true, I DID have to have them. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. Or am I simply deluding myself? This is easy. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. Who has little or no self worth. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. She must NOT grow suspicious that her loving, devoted, starry eyed hubby has a clue about someone else lubricating her plumbing every day. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. It only shows he does not respect me. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. Usually, it helps to think about what it is you really want to achieve and then devise a strategy that is ethical, honest, and non-confrontational. It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. Turns out my wife is co-dependent and her AP is a malignant narcissist; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. Hold on for two months. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation She asked me questions. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . I need advice on how to handle this with my wife - and if you help me I will post links to videos of her with face blurred Dont ever contact the ow . The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. The Day My Lover's Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Husband. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. Nothing! By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Two more weeks go by with no contact. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. lol! Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. I wanted him to know that he took advantage of a severely depressed woman who for many years was under the care of a psychiatrist for this diagnosis. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and have a year... Your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and then she reaches out to my husband, I! 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